The Search for The True and Holy Dip n' Dots
by Quaver Ava
Summary: Collaboration with SaraaLuna and serious crackfic. There will be love, pigeons, and Dip n' Dots.


On one fine spring day Susan Ironclaw was walking through the woods. The maid was a pretty thing from her neatly combed fur to her emerald green eyes. A tight tunic wrapped around her chest and waist with a pair of long traveling trousers running down her legs. Her tail swayed back and worth, the tip of it barely above the ground while her hips lightly went side to side. And there were her soft whiskers that she licked back with her tongue, the pink dot that was her nose twitching. Aahh yes, she could smell it now: breakfast. Preferably pigeon.

As nice as Susan was, she was still a wildcat, and all the birds of the forest had a tendency to either flee in terror or end up in her stomach when she began hunting. Pigeons were just pigeons; no matter how much they squawked, she would end up eating them anyway. They were quite yummy— and dull. Which was why Susan felt confident that her trap would have some breakfast in it this morning.

"Cooo! Cooo! Hicoo is denied his dip n' dots! Noooh!" cried a trapped birdie as he flapped his wings in desperation to escape, but alas, his foot was stuck in the horrid thing called a snare. Susan could hear him cooing and trying to flutter off from far down the path. "Cooo! Coo! How cruel is fate to Hicoo! Cooo!"

Her stomach growled. Susan licked her lips again, narrowing her eyes as she unsheathed her dagger. Speaking of breakfast…

"Coo! Hicoo hears somebirdie coming! Coo!"

"You're a loud one, aren't you?" Susan said, pushing back the bush in front of the snare. The woodpigeon behind it flapped helplessly, staring up at her with wide eyes.

"Coo! Is this a gentle maiden who will help Hicoo? Coo! Hicoo is saved!" The unique birdie cheered, flopping up into the air in pure excitement at his lucky day. Erm, that is until he spotted the daggar. "Cooo!"

Susan rolled her eyes as she took a step forward and made to grab the poor pigeon. "Haha, sorry dear but you're going inside of me."

"Coo, Hicoo feels your proposition is far too early, maiden! Coo! We have just met!"

"Say what now?" Susan stopped, cocking her head to the side at the strange words. It wasn't often she let her meal speak too much, sometimes they talking their way free, but… "Wait, no, NO! Oh I'mma cut you now you-"

"Hicoo uses WING ATTACK!" The pigeon cried throwing himself at her and smacking her with his wings, successfully disarming the maiden and throwing her to the ground. Susan tried desperately to use her claws against her now dangerous foe but suddenly found herself being strangle by his wings…

"Argh, you stupid bird, get off of me!" Susan yelled, trying to force the wings away from her throat. Hicoo flapped harder, beating the edges of her face with his feathers.

"COO! Hicoo does not want to do this, maiden, but you are trying to eat him! Coo! And you didn't even buy Hicoo a drink! Hicoo refuses your perverted advances!" The pigeon cried, flapping his wings in her face some more while keeping away from her swiping claws. "Now be gone, perverse maiden!" And he brought his wing down across her head, successfully knocking her out.

The last thing Susan remembered before the world went dark was another loud 'COO!'

XXXX

It was an hour later before Susan finally felt her senses return. The wildcat slowly opened her eyes, feeling groggy and sluggish. Part of her head throbbed, and her body felt stiff. She winced as a sliver of light hit her eyes. A long and feminine groan slowly left her as the world cleared to the sight of trees.

"Coo, Hicoo is glad to see you awake perverse maiden! Hicoo was worried for you, but was worried for himself when the perverse beautiful flower came to. So Hicoo tied you up!"

Susan stared at the bouncy pigeon for a moment before she tried to move her arm. It didn't budge. With horror, the wildcat looked down, seeing her arms and legs tied to the tree she had her back to. Hicoo made another dim cooing sound as Susan jerked up in frustration, trying to unsheathe her claws and gut him. She only managed to make the ropes quiver. "Oh come on, no!" She yelled, struggling even harder.

Hicoo hopped up to the tied down feline and smacked her across the face with his wing. "Coo, now perverse maiden tells Hicoo where the Dip n' Dots are! Coo!" He yelled, smacking her across the face again. "Hicoo has quested long and hard for the precious Dip n' Dots! Coo! He will not be denied!"

Susan slowly blinked at the delicious looking meal in front of her, her belly giving a growl of protest at being kept from its breakfast. Her head fell to her chest in frustration as she gave a pitiful whimper at being bested over by a… a… _woodpigeon._

"Look, I don't know where your Dip 'n Dobs are," Susan said. She would've been rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration, but being tied up didn't allow for it. Being smacked by a pigeon… didn't help. "Just let me free, and we'll consider this a tie. No pun intended."

Hicoo practically puffed up with anger at her suggestion, taking a swipe at her head again. Susan vowed to bite off his wing the next time he tried to slap her again, if she wasn't blinded by feathers.

"COO! Lovely lecherous maiden, you lie! It was you who stole Hicoo's Dip n' Dots and hid them away! Coo! And you will lead him back to where you have hidden them!"

Susan stared for a long minute before her head fell back to her chest. "What have I done to deserve this horrible life…" And with a sigh she accepted her fate... Sort of. "If you untie me I will take you back to your Dap and Dots."

Hicoo struck her across the face with his Wing of Mightiness again. "How dare you perverse the name of all things holy and mighty of above, bellow, under, and in the fridge! You do not blaspheme the title of Hicoo's Dip n' Dots— especially since you have stolen them! Coo!"

"Oh, for the love of—" Susan closed her eyes, gritting her teeth together. She took a deep breath and gave a sigh of exasperation as Hicoo looked indignantly at her. "I didn't steal your Dip n'— whatever they are! I don't know why you keep accusing me. And then, you tied me up!"

Hicoo took a step back and stared at her, cocking his head. "Perverse maiden, Hicoo tied you up to keep Hicoo from your nest of love!"

Susan blinked again, not believing what her cute little pointy ears were hearing. "Wha, no, NO, that's!" And her head fell to her chest again, a loud and long groan leaving her.

"Fair perverse maiden, cease this!" Hicoo said, making an odd flapping motion. It almost looked like he was trying to ward off advances. "Hicoo did not expect you to be perverse in that manner! Coo! Otherwise, he would have kept the ropes away! Hicoo promises you nothing!"

"…this is getting really old, really fast," Susan growled.

Hicoo raised his wing above his head once again, making Susan flinch, and brought down his Wing of Mightiness. She closed her eyes as the wind wooshed through her gentle fur. "You are free, perverted female, now take Hicoo to the True and Holy Dip n' Dots!" the bird cooed loudly into the air. Susan slowly opened her eyes to see her ropes cut clean through, piled on the ground around her feet.

"I'mma cut you open and clean you out in ten seconds flat," Susan growled before she lunged at the pigeon. He gave a loud squawk and leaped up into the air, fluttering back from her blow.

"Coo! The perverse maiden may enjoy rough play, but Hicoo does not! Cease your advances!" Hicoo cried out as he flapped just above her head. She swiped at him, trying to jump up and down in a comical manner as he stayed just outside of her reach… "Hicoo does not wish to tease you so. Stop this madness now! Coo!"

"If I could I'd burn you into a roasted bird right now, come down here so I can-gahh!" And then Hicoo was on her, swinging his Wing of Mightiness. She fell to the ground with a small gasp of surprise. "Wha- how? You're a bird you can't jus…" She stopped midsentence as Hicoo held her tunic in his talons, hovering in the air. Suddenly the blood rushed to her face as rage shot through her veins. "I-I-I'll gut you open and let you die a slow and horrible death!"

The woodpigeon tossed aside the maiden's tunic as she jumped from the ground to him. He flew a few paws lengths just above her reach and watched as she fell to the ground.

"Hicoo did not mean to disrobe you! Coo! But you are not leaving him many choices in his course of action!" Hicoo fluttered up to a nearby branch out of Susan's reach as the cat growled at him, desperately searching for her dagger. It still wasn't too late to have filleted pigeon for breakfast.

However, that was the exact moment Susan realized that her dagger was nowhere to be seen, and something shiny and sharp was sitting up in the branches with Hicoo.

The woodpigeon gave another coo as Susan's eye twitched, and Hicoo shifted his weight to sit right on her dagger hilt. "Coo, Hicoo was right to hide your dagger! Hicoo does not want to be hurt! Hicoo just wants you to owe up and return his mothafucking Dip n' Dots!"

"And Susan is done here!" Susan snapped. She had taken enough abuse from a perverted woodpigeon that she had failed to make her breakfast, thank Fate very much. The wildcat picked up her tunic and slipped it back on, ignoring Hicoo's stare and intent gaze. She thought about retrieving her dagger, but after seeing the bird perched upon it, Susan decided that she could just buy another one. It would be easier than having to deal with this… _bird _any longer. And it would be less painful for her dignity.

"Noo, Hicoo demands you return his True and Holy Dip n' Dots!" The pigeon cried out as he dived down and wacked her over the head.

"Oh for all things, aaahhh!" Susan screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran through the forest, being chased by an insane pigeon on the hunt for his Dip n' Dots…

XXXX

SaraaLuna: Well, that was cracktastic! If you're confused, don't worry; that was the point.

Quaver: *Hugs you* And you wanna know something else that's kinda out of the blue?

SaraaLuna: What?  
Quaver: No you're going to guess!

SaraaLuna: Hmm, I don't know…

Quaver: Well, we sorta wrote this sitting right next to each other. How weird is that?!

SaraaLuna: Hehe, right! I bet the readers didn't know that. :P Quaver actually paid me a visit this spring break, so this piece of complete and utter crackiness was written together. Hooray for insanity, I suppose.  
Quaver: Now I demand more of your brownies, give them over woman! *Glomps*

SaraaLuna: NO! You'll never take me or my brownies alive! They're mine! *runs off*  
Quaver: *Chases her* :P

…and that's a wrap.


End file.
